Reflections from the start of a world turned upside down
The world is shutting down. Little by little, place by place. Doors locked for who knows how long.
We don’t know what to do. No one has any real answers. We’re all guessing and just trying to do the right thing.
I worked a full day Saturday. I worked a full day Monday. We were broken into two groups on Monday morning (B team, represent). Each group would go in every other day. I reported for my next assigned day — Wednesday... then we were sent home by noon. That was the last time I worked from inside the building. Now, I do what I can from the laptop on my couch.
The world is a terrifying place right now. Thinking about work, about our patrons, about staying connected online — it gives me back a little bit of my sanity. If only because it keeps my mind and hands busy. Idleness stirs up fear, just from the simple act of overthinking.
Some moments, I think we, as a nation, are overreacting. Why are we hoarding toilet paper? Why are there lines outside the grocery stores at 7 a.m.? Can’t we all just calm down?
Other moments, I think we’re under-reacting. Why is McDonald’s still open? Why isn’t everyone working from home, aside from the essentials? Can’t we all just stay inside long enough to stop the damn spread?
The reality of our situation is surreal. Just last week, life was business as usual. Today, I feel like we’re only a few steps away from a full quarantine — being told not that we should stay home, but that we must. Maybe that’s next. Maybe it isn’t. No one knows.
For now, I’ve mostly only left for necessities. A stop at the elementary school to pick up the kids’ free meals. A curbside cupcake pickup. A visit to my mom’s for a thermometer and some medicine. For everything else, we have a group text going with family. Who needs milk? I’m going to the store — need wipes? I don’t plan to leave again this weekend. We’re stocked up enough on food. (And honestly, who ever thought we’d be worried about that?)
Everything feels fake. Like we're in a movie, a fever dream.
I never could’ve dreamed this situation up. The only other time reality felt this eerie in my lifetime was post-9/11. Then too, no one knew what was happening, what was coming next. We lived in fear. We were glued to the news. It’s like that again now, except this time, we’re divided. Post-9/11, we were united. American flags were everywhere. We smiled at strangers. Now, we look at each other with suspicion. (Do they have it? Are they the danger?)
No one knows what to tell us except: wash your hands. Stay home.
No one knows the answers to the big questions:
- How many will get sick?
- How many will die?
- How long will this last?
- When will I stop getting paid?
- Can I still pay my mortgage?
- When will my kids go back to school?
- When can we see our friends again? Hug our family? Stand close instead of six feet apart?
I keep swinging between calm and panic. One minute I feel like everything’s going to be okay. The next, I wonder if the world will ever go back to the way it was.
For now, I try to manage the fear. Sometimes that means using humor (yes, even when it seems tone deaf. It’s how I cope). Sometimes it means throwing myself into remote work, because it’s routine and it helps me feel useful. Sometimes it means reading, or binging crappy reality shows, or writing.
Especially writing.
That’s what I’ll keep doing. It helps me make sense of things, even when none of this makes any sense at all.
Because there’s still so much we don’t know — but I need to believe we’ll find our way through it.
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