What is the most important thing you think people should know about adoption?
Three things:
1- Adoption holds no guarantees for any of the parties involved except that agencies and lawyers get paid. The hope is that the baby/child is placed in a better setting with more possibilities for wellness, safety, enrichment and education than what would happen in a first home. No one has a crystal ball, so changes in the adoptive parents’ familial status cannot be predicted. So it is an act of good faith for the birth/natural parent(s).
2- Also, adoptive parents should be prepared for the day when their adopted child might become curious and want to search for their bio relatives. Not all adoptees have the interest or need to do this, but be prepared in case they do.
3- Tell the truth to your adopted kids about their past. Don’t let a child find out they are adopted from a cousin or a neighbor 20-30 years later or when somebody dies. Tell them right away, as they are developmentally ready to process the facts. This was the best thing my parents ever did.
What do you think is the biggest misconception about adoption?
Three things:
1- One big false assumption is that the life of the adopted person and their adopted family will be/is perfect and a dream come true for everyone. It can be absolutely wonderful for all, but, just as in non-adopted families, life isn’t always perfect. Every family has its drama, and sometimes it becomes a trade of one set of circumstances for another.
2- Another misconception or stereotype might be that there is something “bad” or wrong with birth parents. At one point maybe the timing wasn’t the best, but it does not mean that the birth/natural parent is any better or worse a human being than anyone else, including adoptive parents.
3- There is also a misunderstanding that an adoptee who searches is “ungrateful”. An adopted person who searches for birth family is curious. They just want to know more about who they are by finding out where they came from. If they form meaningful connections with the bio-family it’s not usually because they want to abandon the adoptive family. It’s because they want to widen their circle of relationships and seek balance and completion.
I’ve started writing a memoir of my own. What’s the best advice you can give people wanting to write their own memoir?
Just write now. Edit later. Also, be thinking about a running theme or themes for your story to follow. For example, my book has adoption themes addressing identity, shame, secrets, loss and recovery. A memoir should read a bit like a novel with character development, scene descriptions and a plot/conflict. Just write for now and fill in with literary elements over time.
Did you find it challenging or easy to open up and share your story?
I found it mostly easy. If I hadn’t been willing to share, I wouldn’t have read parts with my writing groups or even published it. The hard part was way before as an adopted kid, when I hid the truth. This book is in part about moving away from hiding and coming to terms with who I am, adopted and all.
GIVEAWAY (ENDED): One lucky reader will win an ebook copy of Akin to the Truth! Please just leave an email address and be 13 or older. Winner will be drawn via random.org on September 12th, 2014!
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