A Memoir on House Hunting, Sump Pumps, and Questionable Safety Standards
Setting: August 2026 — A dangerous basement in Hilton, New York
By the time we went to look at the house in Hilton, the boys had already decided they didn’t like it. This was not based on the house itself. They wanted the house we had already made an offer on, mostly because it had a pool.
So instead of touring this one with an open mind, they seemed to be conducting some sort of investigation into why we absolutely could not live there.
Eventually, we made our way into the basement. And honestly? It was one of the better basements we had seen. Dry. Clean. Not especially creepy. I told Mike, our realtor, as much. He completely agreed.
The boys continued their inspection.
Then they found the sump pump.
It was tucked into the corner, a small opening in the floor with a few inches of water inside.
One of them pointed.
“What is this? We could fall in!”
Absolutely fucking not.
The hole was too small to fall into. The water was too shallow to drown in. And even if one of them somehow managed to wedge himself into it, he would be approximately six inches lower than he had been before and perfectly capable of climbing back out.
Still, they had seen enough. They did not like the basement.
This was particularly interesting to me considering they had previously toured basements with dirt floors and horror-movie energy without expressing nearly as much concern for their personal safety.
I reminded them that it didn’t really matter anyway. If we lived there, I would probably be the only one regularly using the basement.
Around this time, Holden began repeatedly pulling one of the light strings.
I hadn’t noticed.
Mike had.
“Don’t do that,” he told him.
I turned around.
“Why do you always need to act feral?”
The Hilton house had failed inspection.
By two children who had previously approved a dirt floor.
This post is part of my One-Minute Memoir series — short reflections on small moments that still manage to say something big.
My homeowner years are ruled by sump pump issues. Good and bad. I hate the freaking things, but it is necessary in my home. Turned out that when my home was built, the builder cheaped out and there's no bottom or liner. Just a dirt hole. My amazing plumber has modified it a bit thankfully, but I always listen and pray for the woosh sound of water in a rainstorm.
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